Just Meaningful Plastic: A DWTS Retrospective

The transition to a Primarily Friendly Banter podcast is nearly complete! Skating with the Stars has hit its midpoint, and the Ice Princesses have hit the end of their rope. Half of this episode is about anything other than SwtS, and that’s okay. Watch The Traitors on Peacock.

If you thought Skating with the Stars couldn’t get better, you were right. But if you want to hear about The Traitors, Taylor Swift, the Grammys, and Katy’s computer, you’ve come to the right place. Amy’s mom is either an enemy of the pod or a future guest. Katy loves falls. Chris had to re-record three dummy audio segments to cover recording glitches. So did you have fun tonight?

The coolest podcast of the week is here! The Ice Princesses (official name from now on?) watch the premiere of Skating with the Stars, and if you thought they were in equipped to talk about DWTS, just you wait. Amy flexes her skating knowledge on the others, while Katy teaches about Bethenny Frankel. And wouldn’t you know, Chris begins his dark descent into hating the show. At least we all have The Traitors.

Welcome, friends, to Skating with the Stars! The ice skating spin-off that nobody asked for is about to recapped in a mini-series that nobody asked for. There’s also an explanation of Reality Von Tease, a debate on the pronunciation of Basinger, and a discussion of skating backgrounds. What else?

The end is here, and only one can hoist the Coveted Len Goodman Mirrorball Trophy. But more importantly, we have a big announcement that got decided as recording was happening. You will never, NEVER be able to guess what it is. Whereas it’s pretty easy to guess where Katy and Amy land on how this finale shook out. Listen, won’t you?

Well. Katy is not having it. Amy is handing out Golden Boots and Jaunty Seh-VEHNs for all who deserve them. Chris is not even attempting to hold it together. DWTS has finally broken your Queens of the Night. This ep is an all-timer, folks.

It’s a battle of the olds and the young on Tayla Swiff Night between the Queens of the Night, especially over one T-Swizzle single in particular! The quarterfinals only have one full dance per couple, which is unconscionable. Amy is starting a GoFundMe. Chris is a curmudgeon. Katy has hearts coming out of her hands. Happy ThanksgEvening, Swifties. Unfollow Scooter Braun, because if you don’t, that’s a misstep. And one misstep and I could be going home.

Is it Taylor Swift Night yet? No! The Queen of the Night is celebrated by these Queens of the Night in one of our silliest and most enjoyable episodes yet. If you don’t like this one, you’re wrong. So it’s time to dance with somebody, feel the heat with somebody, and love to hate Harry with somebody!

I’m a slave 4 two (hosts, that is)! On this night of an inexplicable Julianne outfit and a surprisingly expert Paula Abdul, Amy is here to tell you all about the dances. Chris is using this description as a way to compliment her growth at technically breaking down the dances themselves. We love a ballroom journey. And Katy chose to not be here. Take on that.

What’s spookier than a delayed QSR? Nothing! Maybe non-IP costumes? No matter, as the Nu Queens of the Night may be a day late but aren’t a dollar short. Katy presents a trick of somebody she’s starting to warm up on. Amy provides a treat of being Fashion Police. Chris is just here to metaphorically egg houses by asking off-topic questions. Spooky! (It’s November, but we must commit to the bit.)

Planet Mirrorballus? No, today we are on the Planet of the Bass! It's a mixed-up kind of planet where Tony is legitimately the Bad Boy of the Ballroom, where Chris and Katy are on the same page for every couple, where wine is appropriate for dance rehearsals, and where Brooke is still just as savage as usual. At least the Walker wedding (which is indeed recapped here) is recognized on every planet.

The Planet of the Bass videos:

It’s about trauma. Trauma and monkey bars and tributes to the DNCMSTR. If you’re Amy’s mom, you might consider skipping the part where Chris starts talking about Harry. Stay tuned until the last second for a TWIST! How's that for a most memorable year?

Happy birthday, The Walt Disney Company! As a present, have your annual dose of brand integration. Some contestants are divisive for the Queens of the Night, but there are at least a couple clear favorites and frontrunners. If you were looking for costume dissections, Amy has you covered. Katy has such feelings that she disappears for a minute. Disney Princess talk, Art Corner, and preparation for the return of the greatest star in the DWTS universe round out this episode, so stop mouse-ing about and listen!

Are you Supreme-ly excited for DWTS’ Motown spectacular? Do you Wonder who Katy and Amy are vibing with? Is there a Temptation to ignore Michael Strahan’s lack of dance knowledge? Then leave it to the Queens of the Night to use Smoke-y and mirrors to make you happy and Gaye! Something something Four Tops!

Uno, dos, tres, Latin Night! Amy is up past midnight because Katy is Mamma Mia!ing and Chris was Hamiltoning, so she alone has thoughts on this second week of competition. It’s going to be a weird one because it’s later than usual, but we are committed to our fan(s). Boyfriend Tim also walks through, which causes Chris to briefly screw up his microphone. This is a WARNING that the volume is going to fluctuate horribly throughout. Doesn’t that sound spicy (like a salsa)?

Producer Chris had to watch the episode and actually talk on QSR, so he didn’t have time to write a description. But Amy is here to tell you about faces! So join us for Night 1 of the 32nd season of Dancing with the Stars!

Time math getting you down? Don’t worry, it’s time to celebrate America (sans rumba to a Lee Greenwood hit) with JMP’s last regular episode for a while! YHAJ put together their Mts. Rushmore of contestants from seasons 9-12, with detours to Mamma Mia!, the many faces of Bristol Palin, and the angriest disagreement perhaps ever heard. It’s the threequel we all deserve.

NOTE: Dancing with the Stars is a WGA show, and as such, it will be picketed for returning. We do not support scabs, and we didn’t know this yet when we recorded. It will be addressed next week!

It’s a new era for QSR, for just as Dancing with the Stars is welcoming a new co-host, a new Queen of the Night is here! Find out who it is, and see if you know these new celebrities!

The greatest winner? Who’s to say, but Chris writes the descriptions, so: THE GREATEST WINNER. KING SHIT.

This is now a Hines Ward podcast. Be prepared. (This is also, as it has been, a podcast obsessed with the iconic cruelty of Brooke Burke.)

Ballroom legends only! On this new JMP, if you think Katy and Chris jump into actual DWTS sooner than usual, don’t be fooled. They get off-track immediately. A lesser Robbed Goddess is added to the Pantheon, more love is offered to Karina Smirnoff, the love lives of Shirley and Corky Ballas are examined, and the true evil mastermind of Dancing with the Stars may have been revealed. Does this sound enticing enough?

DWTS celebrates America in the only way it knows how: a rumba to Proud to Be an American. It’s inexplicable, it’s stupid, and hopefully we’ll never do it again (until the next Benny Franks ep). Chris is not having it, while Katy is beauty and she’s grace, she’s Miss United States. She loves Harry Potter, hates disrespect, and is not elegant. And YHAJ introduce a new game: Does Katy know the plot of Field of Dreams?

This Barbie is talking about the season 12 premiere of DWTS! Chris is incredibly off topic for a good quarter of the episode, and Katy isn’t exactly enthused about the premiere anyway. There is a shocking NFL reversal, a new rival for Brooke, boobs and butts, and a paean to Karina Smirnoff. Ba da ba ba baaaa.

Does Katy know these celebrities? And will Romeo go to Utah?

Finale time, baby! What a time for an episode that covers condiments, Republicans, injury ethics, counting to eight (again), Bristol the party killer, and the conclusion to the feud that rocked America, Brooke vs. Jennifer. Let’s Tootsie Roll!

Friendly Banter before the episode begins? What is this nonsense?⁠ Speaking of nonsense, there are drunk uncles, fabulous dancing women, the son of Twinkletoes, multiple fatal car accidents… and then there’s Bristol.

Step right up and pay us your $7 to view some cage matches! Katy, a known homophobe, versus Chris, famous homosexual. Who wins? And how is any of this related to Dancing with the Stars?⁠

Shall we go for it? We shall, if “it” is anarchy and abandoning plans. Katy is feeling her workout to an intense degree. Chris discovers a new celebrity feud. And can anybody answer the question: who is Mark Ballas?

Come on in, depressed negative Russians and mad Makses! We’ve got a story to tell this week, and Katy and Chris are ready to give you the sitch. There’s an infamous dog dance to discuss, and Chris goes on a journey into accidentally liking a contestant. That’s definitely all you can ask for from an ep. Other than a pizza!

The JMP Literary Book Club- er, JMP Season 11 has begun! And good news, it’s either God’s gift or a trainwreck. Um, yeah. Um, yeah.

They’re heeeeeere! YHAJ are back from their hiatus (which was obviously longer than they expected, based on how they spend minutes talking about the now-dated Met Gala) and ready to play DOES KATY KNOW THESE CELEBRITIES?! Katy is overjoyed to let Baby Jennifer Grey out of the corner. Chris is most sorry that he had to cut a story about Michael Bolton that was very funny, but it was also incredibly inappropriate. And also Bristol is here.

Meredith Grey is one of the greatest fictional characters of our time. That has nothing to do with DWTS, but it is true. Niecy Nash is one of the greatest comedians of our generation, and that does have to do with DWTS. Are there also spoilers for season 15 of Drag Race? Yes, but if you don’t know who wins, you clearly haven’t been watching the season of Drag Race. Just like you clearly won’t be able to get what Chris is implying through the episode.

Who got dem coconuts? We do! Katy and Chris reveal their truest selves by lacking focus and talking about women’s legs.

She gave it everything, she left it all on the ballroom floor, and she laid her legwarmers down and walked away.

Cuchi cuchi! The nightmare that is Kate is truly underway, but Nicole can’t watch her reality show because she can’t count that high. ¡Escándalo, or more correctly, escandovalo!

Ding dong, the witch is gone! The Queens of the Night interrupt this season of JMP to bring you an already out-of-date reaction to some big Tyra news. There’s so much more to it, so join three queens and a baby, won’t you?

Does Katy Know These Celebrities? reaches its aluminum anniversary with a 10th edition! YHAJ Katy and Chris look forward to the 10th season of Dancing with the Stars, and either the celebrities are getting more relevant or they’re more recently notable. Not to spoil how Katy does at the game. Romantic updates, ruminations on art, debates on Katy Perry’s level of fame, and more spice up an exciting episode of the pod. Let the “Can Nicole Count to Eight” Watch begin!

The finale of season 9 is upon us, and it is too little too late! More importantly, it involves the biggest robbery in DWTS history, facilitated by bad production choices, Dmitry’s decisions, and an incorrect America. Chris will never be over it, to the point where he gets mad at Katy for stating facts. Regular finale-type episode.

Mya is the be-all end-all. Mad about her. Long may she reign.  Good, great, Mya.

It’s a new week and it’s a reinvigorated Chris and… Katy? Is her name Katy? The woman of the podcast. They’ve finally found a way to lightly enjoy this season, although it may be because they’ve just resigned themselves to a bad season and are finding relative joys within it. Accents, bad impressions, and Mya and Kelly are keeping them in it. And everyone should be shocked that Chris never made a “true bottom” joke, considering he said that phrase more than once. #Mad4Mya

Unhinged.

Katy, to your Bills, we must say “Bye, bitch”. Does that lack of sympathy make me a bad son? #TeamMya

Do you want us to watch Maks on The Bachelor? Is that good content? Probably not. But is this recap of week 2 of season 9 of Dancing with the Stars significantly better? Maybe not. At least it features recently-denied-of-an-Oscar-nomination-again director Baz Luhrmann! Katy also gets to talk about OUR baby, which matters. So short kings and Giants, dive on in to this era of Maks with us and wait in suspense for those Sultry Sevens!

This is an episode about Kelly Osborne. Also a fight about Macy Gray. But mostly Kelly Osborne.

Karina is so hot. So hot. Karina? So hot.

You are truly on a Ship of Dreams, because JMP is back, baby! We’ve entered the Thrilling Threes, and it’s “better than ever”. If you’re wondering how the new edition of “Does Katy Know These Celebrities?” goes well over an hour, just know that if you want only the DWTS content you are going to have to skip over 1/4 of the ep. New year, same YHAJ. Cuddle up in bed and join us, won’t you?

UPDATE: Katy did watch Cats (2019), but it took a while.

UPDATE: Megan had her baby! Maisie Ann was born December 30, and she is OUR baby. America’s baby.